This is me, kadeš
In the introduction, there was already mentioned that in the German lessons at grammar school Šlapanice you will not only get the ability to communicate with this language, but also plenty of unforgettable experiences.
So here you have a few of them (of course, there are many more, but who would remember all this? Especially when we need to have more important things in our minds… like German vocabulary).
Palatschinken? Das ist etwas mit Schinken! German cuisine 1000 times differently...
In sekunda under the guidance of Mrs. Bičanová had me, Kadeš, and my classmates from German group got familiar with various already known but also with unknown regular dishes. Because for what else shall we use a foreign language, than for tasting the local cuisine. Besides words for bread, bun, Schnitzel, pork roast, sausage and ham (Mrs. teacher prefers meat diet), we were also interested in dishes like "Currywurst" or "Eintopf". The first mentioned is a typical German spicy sausage. The second one is a soup cooked from everything, what you can find at the moment in a pantry. We haven't spoken about food any longer and have concentrated on getting bad marks from the grammar of past tense (me definitely NOT!). Further extension of our “meal” vocabulary was given in Mr. Vojtěch´s lessons. In these lessons, we learned that innocent word Palatschinken, which means pancakes, is actually "etwas mit Schinken", or something with ham. However, we were most impressed by the teaching methods of Mrs. Býčková. Without her, I could never have ordered der Auberginenauflauf in top Austrian restaurant. You should definitely try it. I recommend. At the time when we thanks to Mrs. Červinková found out, that we could call the newest culinary creation of our school canteen das Elefantenessen, I knew, that in terms of food vocabulary, we are definitely ready for everything. But still when a yummy dish called “lentil eintopf” appears on the menu of the above mentioned school canteen, I try to avoid it as much as I can.
How student Kadeš came to the break thanks to the sirens
It’s typical for every first Wednesday in the month. Test of sirens. Although in many cities long ear-tearing note starts and goes for about two minutes at high noon, Šlapanice, as an improving city, introduced one absolutely genius idea. Five minutes before the sirens a gentle voice speaks out from the city radio telling us that in few moments there’s going to be a test of sirens. This statement is repeated three times if you overheard it at first. They also think of the foreign citizens of Šlapanice. So you can hear it in Czech, English and most importantly – German. And if you unfortunately did not hear the announcement before, there is also one after the sirens. It’s an ingenious remark that tester sirens just went through. And to all of this, the nearby church’s bell rings. When I, student Kadeš, was in my fifth year at grammar school Šlapanice, my favorite classes (German language) were on Wednesday, fifth lesson. That means little unpleasant distraction in classes every month. Fortunately, our German skills weren’t affected by it. Whilst Mrs. Červinková who taught us for the most part of the year always kept it cool and continued teaching, another teacher (whose name I won’t tell…) who had taught us before, had so much trouble with those sirens that she always had to declare an unofficial break. We, as good students of grammar school, continued studying and we always tried to use this break as best as we could. Either to do our math homework or to discuss important topics (such as what’s for lunch). But most importantly recording a message to our future companions (generations of students), which contains the whole ritual of the city radio of Šlapanice on every first Wednesday of the month. Just in case that our progressive city would decide to make the radio the one and only boring way it used to be…
How was the student Kadeš baffled in Baffle
Some day of our first semester of German language education Mrs. Bičanová decided to check our expression skills with a game – Baffle (that’s how we could probably call it, in German we call it der Koffer, which literally means suitcase, but it doesn’t really suit it considering that funny title we came up in our Czech version). I will tell you the rules now. Students divide into two groups. Each group gets certain time to come up with some tricky German words, then the game starts. One student sits on a chair so (s)he couldn’t see the whiteboard, wall or whatever you're willing to write on. Second group's member write one of their tricky German words on that surface you chose. The goal is to describe that word to the student on the chair with hints coming from his group members. But there is a catch. You can’t use the radix! Now back to the story. Our vocabulary, though better than our French buddies’, was still on level: a man, a woman, a car, a crocodile. Describing word die Polizistin (a policewoman) will remain in my memories forever. Hints like “She’s got a car and wears blue” were obviously for nothing. After the information that she’s a woman on the street, Mrs. Bičanová got involved with comment: “I would imagine something little different under this term…” I don’t really remember how it all ended up but since that, Baffle was our favourite. When we played that game back then when we were at our fourth year of grammar school with Mr. Vojtěch, the game was so successful that even the teacher got involved along with his extended vocabulary. He pulled out for example the word die Sexbombe (translate it for yourself). Unfortunately, nowadays nobody answers our prayers “Frau Lehrerin, können wir den Koffer spielen?”...
Few howlers to the end
Student: Wo wohnt mein Tante? (Where lives my (masculine article) aunt?)
Mrs. teacher: Are we some experts on your family or what? On top of that, you got it wrong… You know what? Take a paper and go draw something.
Mrs. teacher: And who tutors you German?
Student: Deine Mutter. (Your mom.)
Mr. teacher: What is this animal? Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Student: It's a hen.
Student sleeping in class.
Mrs. teacher: Guten Morgen, Amerika! (Good morning, America!)
The class repeatedly answers wrong.
Mrs. teacher: Are you conscious today? What did they put in your snack?
Mrs. teacher gives a student a question.
The student doesn't know the answer.
Mrs. teacher: So, I can talk with this Little mole (class mascot), it would be the same…
Mrs. teacher: Tell me different types of meat, and meat dishes.
Student: Fisch. (Fish.)
Mrs. teacher: Fish is not meat!
Mrs. teacher wants a translation of "shoot a ball" (schießen den Ball).
Student: Scheißen den Ball. (Scheißen - to defecate but in strong language…)
The class knows nothing.
Mrs. teacher: It's so hard to work with you! I should have worked in a mine! I would tear the rocks with my bare hands and then throw them at you.
Mrs. teacher: If YOU graduated from German, I would left this school.
Student says he's going to Austria for holiday.
Mrs. teacher: Do not speak German or there's another world war about to happen.
Mrs. teacher hands out papers about national parks and nature preservation in Germany.
Paradox is, she is the one who prints so many papers and doesn’t bother with two-sided printing.
While playing Baffle - word Obdachlose. (Homeless)
Student: Es ist nicht Schneemann. (It's not a snowman.)
New Mrs. teacher: Sooo, learn these 200 words before next lesson (next lesson is in two days).
Mrs. teacher: Ihr schläft! Wir machen eine Disko, oder? Ramba zamba… (You are asleep! We're making a disco, aren't we? Ramba camba…)
Der Wodka, der Wein, der Kognak, das Bier, die Kopfschmerzen…(Vodka, wine, cognac, beer, headache…)
School trip to Wien:
Mr. teacher: Ohne Alkohol! (No alcohol!)
Classmate, French: He said, only alkohol!
